Wow... the message this morning was just... I don't know what to say.
It just kind of hit me. When Kimberly gave her testimony- it just brought all these memories of my mother and pain too.The fact that this week is the week of Thanksgiving, which, 2 years ago to today was when I found out my mom had pancreatic cancer- didn't help me either.
I was thinking, 'God, why didn't You heal her? If You healed Kim from her liver disease, then why couldn't have You healed my mom from cancer? And why am I not healed yet?'
At that moment, I didn't want to be there at the church, I didn't want to stay. I knew I had to anyways and I knew that God wanted me there.
I didn't want to hear the message but I wanted to.
After the testimony, Pastor Marco, Jill, and Brandon got up to pray for people who came forward to be prayed over for healing, I wanted to get up there and get prayed over for my healing but I didn't.
I had all these feelings- frustration, selfishness, and even anger.
I was tired of fighting this battle, I was tired of feeling hurt, left out, rejected because of my deafness, I've been fighting this for nearly all of my life since I was an infant.
I thought, "Well, I guess my healing won't happen today because it never happens no matter how hard or how often I'm prayed over, nothing changes."
I heard God speak to me, a small voice inside my heart, He simply said, "Emily, I want you to get up and pray for others, I don't want you to just sit there and feel sorry for yourself. Get up." So I did.
As I laid my hands on others and prayed over them, I don't think I've ever felt so humbled, broken, and scarred at that moment than before. God is teaching me to trust in Him and simply to humble myself before Him.
We don't understand why God chooses to heal some people instantly, while He heal others more slowly in weeks, months, and even years.
We don't understand why Jesus healed people and yet He didn't heal everybody who came to Him.
I talked with Jon this afternoon about what happened this morning and how I feel so frustrated and hurt- he told me to read Acts 3, so I did.
Then he asked me, "Where was the man lying at?" I said, "At the gate to the temple, of course."
"Was he there for many years?'
"Yes."
"Well, tell me, was Jesus a good Jew, wasn't He?"
"Yes."
"How often do Jews go to the temple?"
"Few times a year."
"So, Jesus walked by the man countless times and yet He didn't heal him. Why?"
After that, I had to take some time alone and think about it.
I'm in a season of waiting patiently, and just to trust in God. It may be a long process for me, I don't know how long I will be in this season for, all I can do is to let God work on me.
I don't know why I'm not healed yet, all I can do is wait and trust God.
I'm not perfect, I accept that.
I accept that I'm a idiot sometimes, we all are.
I accept that I take things for granted sometimes, we all do.
When you are humbled and broken, it is when God brings out the most in you, I've learned that within the past year.
We have to pray constantly, and never cease to pray. We have to keep knocking on the door and it will be opened, that's what Jesus told us. At times we may become discouraged and give up, it is when we have to put our trust in God and keep going. Because it will be worth it in the end.
Everything we've gone through in our lives and yet may have to go through many more, it will be worth in the end. All the hardships, pain, sorrow, everything.
Why? Because if we follow God's will for our lives, it will be worth everything we've gone through in the end.
Posted 11/19/2006 at 6:16 PM
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