Singleness & His perfect timing

"Being single is an opportunity to discover who God has made us to be and what He has called us to in this life." ~Eric & Leslie Ludy, When God Writes Your Love Story

Being single has been something I've struggled with for a while. I've struggled with it as I've sat by and watched as one by one of my friends got asked to court and then eventually get married. I've had my own share of tears and I allowed bitterness to harbor in my heart without realizing it. I had asked the Lord, "Why am I still waiting?" but received no answer. I didn't understand why no guy has ever taken a interest in me or even asked me out. I thought there must be something wrong with me. Like any other women, I wanted to be seen and loved for who I am. Whether I am healed of my deafness or not. 

I wanted to be treasured and cherished by only one man for the rest of my life and that man is the one I am to marry.

I have met and liked guys and they liked me but there has been times when I've let my heart deceive myself into believing that a relationship was going to start and then it didn't and all I got was disappointment in the end.

At last, I came to the conclusion that I must be destined to be single. But the truth was, I wasn't completely content in that nor was I trusting God in that area of my life and no wonder that it has caused me to fail every time. I would attempt to start a relationship with a guy but then God was never in the center of it. 

I just re-read the book by Eric and Leslie Ludy, "When God Writes Your Love Story" recently. I had forgotten how good it was and now that I'm older, it has completely changed my perspective. Upon reading it, I felt God tugging at my heart and I knew that I was not allowing Him to have full reign in that area of my life. I knew what I had to do and I didn't want to do it. But I surrendered the pen of my love life to the Lord. I am trusting Him completely and fully to write my beautiful story in His perfect timing. Not mine. 

I also realized something else extremely important. I was not ready then (I am not saying that I am ready now only God knows when). I was not ready to start dating when I thought I was ready. And God knew that! I realized that it goes all the way back to when my mom died nearly five years ago. I was so hurt at the time and lonely that there was no way a guy could fill that void in my heart. Only God could. If He didn't love me so much, He would have let me chase after guys, get their attention, get hurt, and be miserably alone. 

I mean, with all what have happened in the past, if it weren't for those things, I wouldn't be at the place I am at right now in my walk with the Lord. I would not be on the same level of maturity that I am at now. I would have never come to the conclusion that I was not allowing Him to have full reign of authoring my love story. 

If it weren't for all that, I would have never known what God has called me to do in my serving Him through my singleness. I am so thankful for Him protecting me... and for keeping me safe. I've learned that He alone is the One who will never let me down.

Show Love

I read this entry in my devotional book and had to post it... such a good and beautiful reminder for all of us, especially for those who tend to forget sometimes or become absorbed in the everyday living. Showing love, whether it be overflowing or minor, can go a long way for others. I know that because I've experienced it countless times! Give a hug to someone who may need one... write a short note full of love for someone who needs to hear it..

"Put on as the elect of God, kindness" (Col. 3:12).

There is a story of an old man who carried a little can of oil with him everywhere he went, and if he passed through a door that squeaked, he poured a little oil on the hinges. If a gate was hard to open, he oiled the latch. And thus he passed through life lubricating all hard places and making it easier for those who came after him.

People called him eccentric, queer, and cranky; but the old man went steadily on refilling his can of oil when it became empty, and oiled the hard places he found.

There are many lives that creak and grate harshly as they live day by day. Nothing goes right with them. They need lubricating with the oil of gladness, gentleness, or thoughtfulness. Have you your own can of oil with you? Be ready with your oil of helpfulness in the early morning to the one nearest you. It may lubricate the whole day for him. The oil, of good cheer to the downhearted one--Oh, how much it may mean! The word of courage to the despairing. Speak it.

Our lives touch others but once, perhaps, on the road of life; and then, mayhap, our ways diverge, never to meet again, The oil of kindness has worn the sharp, hard edges off of many a sin-hardened life and left it soft and pliable and ready for the redeeming grace of the Saviour.

A word spoken pleasantly is a large spot of sunshine on a sad heart. Therefore, "Give others the sunshine, tell Jesus the rest."

"We cannot know the grief
That men may borrow;
We cannot see the souls
Storm-swept by sorrow;
But love can shine upon the way
Today, tomorrow;
Let us be kind.
Upon the wheel of pain so many weary lives are broken,
We live in vain who give no tender token.
Let us be kind."

"Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love" (Rom. 12:10)

No doubt about His enduring promise!

Sometimes I ask God 'why' about things like why did He let me become deaf at 18 months old, why did my mom have cancer when she was such a healthy human being, and so forth on. The more I ask why and try to find the answer, the more I am at a loss and I had to let it all go. Now I am simply waiting on Him. I know I will see my mom again soon! Why should I still grieve for her when she's with Jesus rejoicing and dancing? Of course there will always be times when I will miss her terribly and I will always miss her in a way everyday even without thinking about it. 

I was thinking about how a thousand years here on Earth is but one day to God in Heaven and how even days is but a mere minute to Him and that gives me great comfort because that means I will arrive in Heaven just one minute after my mom got there! 

I have no doubt that someday we will understand that God has a reason behind every happening and every no that He gives us through the course of our lives. Yet even in this life, He always make it up to us! When has God ever taken anything from a person without restoring it many times over? It is true that God never touches the heart with a trial without intending to bestow a greater gift or compassionate blessing. The person who knows how to wait has grown to an expectional degree in God's sufficient grace!

"He Worketh"

"He worketh" (Ps. 37:5).

The translation that we find in Young of "Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass," reads: "Roll upon Jehovah thy way; trust upon him: and he worketh."

It calls our attention to the immediate action of God when we truly commit, or roll out of our hands into His, the burden of whatever kind it may be; a way of sorrow, of difficulty, of physical need, or of anxiety for the conversion of some dear one.

"He worketh." When? Now. We are so in danger of postponing our expectation of His acceptance of the trust, and His undertaking to accomplish what we ask Him to do, instead of saying as we commit, "He worketh." "He worketh" even now; and praise Him that it is so.

The very expectancy enables the Holy Spirit to do the very thing we have rolled upon Him. It is out of our reach. We are not trying to do it any more. "He worketh!"

Let us take the comfort out of it and not put our hands on it again. Oh, what a relief it brings! He is really working on the difficulty.

But someone may say, "I see no results." Never mind. "He worketh," if you have rolled it over and are looking to Jesus to do it. Faith may be tested, but "He worketh"; the Word is sure!  --V. H. F.

"I will cry unto God most high; unto God that performeth all things for me" (Ps. 57:2).

The beautiful old translation says, "He shall perform the cause which I have in hand." Does not that make it very real to us today? Just the very thing that "I have in hand"--my own particular bit of work today, this cause that I cannot manage, this thing that I undertook in miscalculation of my own powers--this is what I may ask Him to do "for me," and rest assured that He will perform it. "The wise and their works are in the hands of God."  --Havergal

The Lord will go through with His covenant engagements. Whatever He takes in hand He will accomplish; hence past mercies are guarantees for the future and admirable reasons for continuing to cry unto Him.  --C. H. Spurgeon"

~L.B. Cowman, Streams In The Desert

Whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. (Philippians 3:7)

"O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee,
I give Thee back the life I owe,
That in Thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O Light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to Thee,
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in Thy sunshine's glow its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to Thee,
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that lifest up my head,
I dare not ask to hide from Thee,
I lay in dust life's glory dead,
And from the ground there blossons red,
Life that shall endless be."

~George Matheson

Shevet Achim, Israel

This have been on my heart for some time and now I want to share about it.

For the last four years since my visit in 2006, I've been praying about going to Israel as a part time missionary or as a volunteer to work among people there for at least a certain period of time.

There was opportunities for me to go but every time I brought it up before the Lord, He said, "No, not now. Wait." So I waited and waited.
Over and over, I had to surrender that dream into His hands and not pursue it on my own (otherwise I'd just mess it up).

Then, last May, a dear friend of mine, from college, told me that she was going to Jerusalem for four months this summer to work as a part-time staff volunteer at a place called Shevet Achim.
Shevet Achim was founded with the purpose of helping non-Israeli children receive lifesaving medical care in Israel. The name is taken from the Hebrew of Psalm 133, which promises that unity between brothers leads to life.
I was immediately attracted to the program for some strange reason that I can't quite explain and for the last few months, I've been following up on their updates via email and I began to pray about doing it, possibly next summer for two months, but had some doubts about it. What if they don't want me because of my hearing loss? What if....? You can imagine.
Then the Lord spoke to me, "Do not be afraid. Do not doubt. For nothing is impossible with Me and with Me, you can do all things! My timing is always perfect."

Then I felt this great peace in my heart and knew that if they told me I couldn't work with them, God will provide another opportunity and BETTER timing too!
So, I decided to email the international director of the program and told him about my heart for Israel and how I desire to go there as a volunteer and minister to the people. I also mentioned my hearing loss even though I didn't want to.

Not expecting a reply for some time, I was surprised to hear back from the director the very next day!
The very first thing he said was that he liked what I shared and the second thing was that my hearing loss is my best qualification (1 Corinthians 2:1-5) and then he attached a staff application!
I was so overwhelmed with gratitude and joy and encouragement- I couldn't believe that they want me to work with them regardless the fact that I cannot hear!

Curious about what the staff do, I sent another email and found out that not they only take care of the children, they also host families of the children and need help with cooking and cleaning and the list goes on. At once, I knew that is what I've been looking for and what I wanted to do, being a servant to others. "
As Elisabeth Elliot said about being a servant of God, "It's a tall order to take the lowest place, to lay it all at His feet, and to listen for His next small wish. Yoked with Him, we can do this as easily as we can conquer more exalted worlds."

God is so faithful!!!

I also got another encouraging email from the director after I asked about the funds, "But we’re encouraging short-term people to first ask God’s help with the airfare, and then direct any other support that comes in to Shevet Achim staff support. It will all go into one pool and we’ll share and trust the Lord to meet all of our needs. If you don’t have enough personal support for monthly expenses, we’ll be glad to take you anyway. And if you have more than enough, you’ll be a blessing to others."

Even though I have nearly a year to pray, prepare, and get the funds I need, I know that it will all work out if it is God's will. But how can it not be His will if He didn't put this burning desire in my heart in the first place and love for Israel and the people there?

Thank You, my Abba, for providing this great opportunity and for teaching me the value of patience and waiting upon You and Your timing... there is nothing more perfect.

His Wind.

Be still.

"He is here for the broken and life to the one who is undone.
He is peace to the wounded and hope for the helpless one.
He is here, He is here.
Be still, my soul, be still...
Wait patiently upon the Lord, be still my soul, be still...
When the waves rise against me and the wind tries to blow me away, I will stand on the mountain and safe in Your arms, I will sing..."
~Kari Jobe

This is just a tiny glimpse of what I'm going through right now... with all the chaos going on and unexpected things happening among disappointments and joys.
But.. praise to the Lord for His faithfulness! He is my peace and strength and I will be nothing without Him.
I will sing in Your arms...

A thought from Amy Carmichael

Invest in the Eternal

All that grieves is but for a moment. All that pleases is but for a moment. Only the Eternal is important.

A trial comes. It will pass. In a few days, or months, or years, we shall have forgotten it. The way we meet that trial—our inner attitude towards it—belongs to things that are Eternal.

All that we are, all that will ever be, in us and in others, in the entire universe, past—present—and future, is affected for all eternity by how we respond to temptations, or trials, or victories, or defeats.

The issues themselves are irrelevant.

The Eternal: how we respond in our inner hearts, those are the only things that matter. All else will pass and be forgotten and trivialized by time and space.

It does not seem so now. We feel, “If I could only have ____. If only this problem would go away. Then, ____.” Yet, we must be reminded of what we know. The pleasures pass. The trials, though they seem long and difficult, are a vapor.

If we could have what we desire, or shed what we disdain, we would, with that attitude, only suffer dreadful loss in the Eternal realm. The scriptures say, “He gave them their request, but sent leanness into their soul.”

Let us look to Jesus and trust HIM, and invest in the Eternal, not that which only passes away.

-Amy Carmichael

The unconditional love of Abba

The other day, during my quiet time with the Lord, the story of the woman who was caught in act of adultery in John 8 stood out to me. I've read it countless times but this time there was something significant that stood out to me. Let me say this first, for a while I was struggling with the idea of being simply accepted and loved by my Abba, regardless of what happens. My head believes that I am accepted but my heart was having a hard time believing and I was asking God to show me that I've been accepted already and I do not have to do anything- and that I will know His love is unconditional! My tiny mind cannot simply grasp the whole picture because well, He is GOD! His ways are higher than ours and He does not think the way we do. 

"The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group ⁴and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. ⁵In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" ⁶They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

   But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. ⁷When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." ⁸Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

 ⁹At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. ¹⁰Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"

 ¹¹"No one, sir," she said. 
      "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."

The Pharisees were saying to Jesus as they dragged the woman out, "What should we do about her? She was caught in adultery. Moses say we should stone her. What do YOU think?" They were trying to trap Him. Jesus ignored them and wrote in the sand. Then He looked up and said, "Let the one who hasn't commited any sin throw the first stone." 

No one said anything and so they left one by one. Jesus asked the woman if there were anyone to condemn her, she said no and then Jesus told her to go and sin no more. Jesus didn't even ask her if she was sorry. He didn't demand anything from her. He didn't seem too concerned that she might return to her old self. She stood right there and Jesus gave her absolution before she even asked for it. 

It was right there that I realized something... God wants us back even more than we could possibly want to be back! We've been already accepted even before we know it. His love for us does not change- not even one bit. Not even when we turn away from Him. He is always right there, waiting for us to return to Him. In the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15, we see the unconditional love of God in it as well. As the son was walking home, the father sees him from a distance and ran to him, hugging him with tears, even before son got a chance to apologize and when he started to, the father doesn't quite let him finish. God is waiting right there with outstretched arms. He loves you so much, it does not matter what you may have done. He wants you back more than you could possibly want to be back. Do you hear His gentle voice calling you? 

The story affected me because it shows how the nature of God's love for us is so outrageous. I believe that the love of our God is not dignified at all and that He doesn't expect our love to not be dignifed like His because we are not perfect. Maybe that's why we have a hard time believing it with our hearts. 

There's also something else that I am experiencing: Jesus's love. Jesus talked about doing to the least of our brethern we do unto Him in New Testament. But then I think, "What if you discovered that the least of the brethern, the one who needs love the most, is you?" That's something I am learning about the love of Jesus as well. Jesus told us to love our neighbors like we should love ourselves. That's one part of what I am learning about the love of Jesus... by loving myself.

The values of patience - Sunday February 22, 2009

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him. (Psalm 37:7)

Have you prayed and prayed, and waited and waited, and still you see no evidence of an answer? Are you tired of seeing no movement? Are you at the point of giving up? Then perhaps you have not waited in the right way, which removes you from the right place-- the place where the Lord can meet you.

"Wait for it patiently" (Romans 8:25) Patience eliminates worry. The Lord said He would come and His promise is equal to His presence.
Patience eliminates weeping. Why feel sad and discouraged? He knows your needs better than you do and His purpose in waiting is to receive more glory through it.
Patience eliminates self-works. "The work of God is this: to believe." (John 6:29) and once you believe, you may know all is well.
Patience eliminates all want. Perhaps your desire to receive what you want is stronger than your desire for the will of God to be fulfilled.
Patience eliminates all weakness. Instead of thinking of waiting as being wasted time, realize that God is preparing His resources and strengthening you as well.
Patience eliminates all wobbling. "He touched me and raised me to my feet." (Dan 8:18) God's foundations are steady, and when we have His patience within, we are steady while we wait.
Patience yields worship. Sometimes the best part of praiseful waiting is experiencing "great endurance and patience... joyfully." (Colossians 1:11) While you wait, "let [all these aspects of] patience have her perfect work." (James 1:4) and you will be greatly enriched.

Posted 2/22/2009 at 1:50 PM

Glance - Monday January 19, 2009

I remember the first glance

I remember the first romance
I remember the first dance
When I felt in love with You
When I felt in love

I thought that I would never know love
I thought that I would never know touch
Then you came and awakened me
Then you came unlocking me
I've never known a love like this
You've shown the truth behind the myth
The Mystery

When it's all has been said
When it's all has been done
When the race is run
And this life overcome

I will remember Your love

Posted 1/19/2009 at 12:39 AM

Be still - Monday November 24, 2008

"Be still and know that I am GOD." ~Psalm 46:10

"Sometimes we have walked under starless skies that dripped darkness like drenching rain. We despaired from the lack of light from the sun, moon, and stars. The gloomy darkness loomed above us as ifit would last forever. And from the dark there spoke no soothing voice to mend our broken hearts. We would gladly have welcomed even a wild clap of thunder, if only to break the torturing stillness of that mournfully depressing night.
Yet Your soft whisper of eternal love spoke more sweetly to our bruised and bleeding souls than any winds that breathe across a wind harp.
It was Your 'gentle whisper' that spoke to us. We were listening and we heard You, and then we looked and saw Your face, which was radiant with the light of Your face. And when we heard Your voice and saw Your face, new life returned to us just as life returns to withered blossoms that drink the summer rain."
~L.B. Cowman

Posted 11/24/2008 at 10:22 AM

Grief - Monday November 10, 2008

The falling rain of yesterday is ruby on the roses,

Silver on the poplar leaf, and gold on willow stem;
The grif that fell just yesterday is silence that encloses
God's greatest gifts of grace, and time will never trouble them.

The falling rain of yesterday makes all the hillsides glisten,
Coral on the laurel and beryl on the grass;
The grief that fell just yesterday has taught the soul to listen
For whispers of eternity in all the winds that pass.

O faint of heart, storm-beaten, this rain will shine tomorrow,
Flame within the columbine and jewels on the thorn,
Heaven in the forget-me-not; through sorrow now is sorrow,
Yet sorrow will be beauty in the magic of the morn.

~Katherine Lee Bates

Posted 11/10/2008 at 10:22 AM

Bear thy cross - Thursday November 6, 2008

"If all my days were sunny, could I say,

"In His fair land He wipes all tears away"?

If I were never weary, could I keep
this blessed truth, "He gives His loved ones sleep"?

If no grace were mine, I might come to deem
The Live Eternal but a baseless dream.

My winter, and my tears, and weariness,
Even my grace, may be His to bless.

I call them ills; yet that can surely be
Nothing but love that shows my Lord to me."
~Joseph Caryl

"Christians with the most spiritual depth are generally those who have been taken through the most intense and deeply anguishing fires of the soul. If you have been praying to know more of Christ, do not surprised if He leads you through the desert or through a furnace of pain."

"Dear Lord, do not punish me by removing my cross from me. Instead, comfort me by leading me into submission to Your will and by causing me to love the cross. Give me only what will serve You the best, and may it be used to reveal the greatest of all Your mercies: bringing glory to Your name through me, according to Your will."

Posted 11/6/2008 at 11:36 AM

Friday October 31, 2008

One of my friends' mother underwent a surgery yesterday and when I came over to her apartment last night- I immediately noticed that she looked so tired and worn out, I asked her how she was doing and she told me what happened yesterday. She went to the hospital with her family to see her mother and the surgery was supposed to be over at 10:00 am and she had class at 1 pm; they never saw her mother. She had to come back to APU and her father stayed at the hospital searching for her mother. Just before I came over last night, he called my friend to tell her that he finally found her mother but it took him all day and no one would tell him where. My friend doesn't know much but she knows that the surgery must've gone wrong because the doctors won't speak to her family about it.

As I looked into my friend's eyes, they were full of pain, confusion, and worry-- she made me think of myself in a way four years ago when we found out that my mom had cancer- the same thing but in a completely different way.

I wanted to tell her something that'd comfort her but didn't know what to say. I only shared briefly about my mom and told her that it's alright to cry, not to hold it all back in.
I couldn't shrug it off my shoulders- I wanted to say something to her but I couldn't just say, "Oh, trust in God and everything will be alright, don't worry- she'll be fine." I'd feel fake, putting on a pretend happy mask and she'll know, after all we never know what will happen. Do we?

Only God knows.

I told her to go visit her mom today and not to go to classes because that is what I would do.

Abba, lay Your hand upon her, give her peace... I cannot be the one to comfort her, only You can... it is hard enough having school to stress out over and worry about- she doesn't need any more on her mind. I lift my friend and her family up to You. Comfort them, givethem peace, and give them rest. Abba, touch her mother's body right now with Your healing hand, restore her body what may have gone wrong, You will straighten it out. Give her family joy overflowing and peace of mind so that they will trust in Your Almighty name and not to give hope up but to praise You, O Lord..

This morning, I was thinking about last night and what bothers me is that though I lost my mom is that I don't have the right words to comfort others, I think that humans are awkward comforters -- we want to comfort the one who is going through a hard time, we want to have the right stuff to say but of course we don't, only God is the True Comforter in that and we are to imitate Him by simply being there with the person. Just like He is ever-present and always with us, and to be silent but at the same time let the person know you are there if he or she wants to talk and to pray together. Only God can touch our hearts in ways He can and we cannot.

I would like to say that I learned how to be a better comforter because I lost Mom and yet I don't. I just know the pain and sorrow- everything.
I thought that I'd have the magic words to speak because I went through that but I don't, to be honest.
There is one thing I've learned in that time of great grief, that God was there with me. Simple as that.
He is there, He is crying along with me, He shares my pain. You don't want to hear someone telling you that it'll be alright in that 'fake' voice and see the fake mask of happiness plastered on when you know deep inside of your being that it isn't alright. Neither one of you know what will happen next, only God does.

He wants us to run to Him, He longs to gather us like lost children into His secure arms. We long to hear Him speak tenderly to us, with words of love.

We focus too much on our own pain and grief, how it's so hard for us to go on and constantly asking God why this is happening. We don't know what His will is or what He has for us but there is one valuable thing I've learned is that though He is not safe all of the time, He is still good. He knew how much I can take and still stand strong. Everyone is different and they all have their own trials. IT's about how we choose to respond. Some people tell me that I am so strong and they wish they had my strength- I tell them, no you don't wish for the things I had to go through just because you see this strength in me, you don't want the pain, I cannot even tell you what it was like but God was faithful to me in that season and it was all His doing- if it was not for Him, I won't be here, I won't be the person I am today.

I had to watch my mom suffer slowly yet fast and I barely remember every detail of that season but I will never forget the feelings I had or how Mom looked at the end but I will always remember how much she loved You, O Lord, and how she'd speak of Your name with joy...

Posted 10/31/2008 at 12:0 AM

Two years... I love you, Mom - Sunday March 18, 2007

4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions it is by grace you have been saved. ~Ephesians 2:4-5

---

Because it was Your love
that made me alive
Because of Your love, O God
that made me alive
When I was dead on the inside
Because of Your love and grace
I am alive now

There's a new kind of light
that's shining through me
My heart, once heavy and full of shame
Now light and pure

I do not understand how I, least of all
Could deserve such love so wonderful
And yet You love me despite what I've done

Because of Your love, O God
And because of Your love
I will sing, I will praise
For it was Your love that made me alive
For it was Your grace that set me free

I've forgotten what I once was,
Now I know who I am in You, O God
Who I am now is because of Your love.

~Emily Hrimnak

P.S. Tomorrow is the twenty-four month anniversary of my mother's passing, however I don't choose to think it as the second year anniversary of her death but rather as her resurrection in Christ, because I know she is alive and well and in a far better place. So tomorrow I will celebrate because she is with Jesus Christ! I love you, Mom, and I know that one day I will meet you on that beautiful shore besides the river of life where you're waiting for me at the Gate of God's City. Until then, FAE.

Posted 3/18/2007 at 5:21 PM

In love - Thursday February 1, 2007

I am in love with a stranger,

I am in love with a man,

I am in love with my Maker whom I have never seen.

Jesus, why is it that when I seek You, speak to You, I can never get enough of You??

Why is it that I'm never satisifed? I want more of You, I NEED You..

Posted 2/1/2007 at 11:0 PM

Peace in the face of death - Tuesday November 28, 2006

Dear God, my heavenly Father...

I need You right now.. Give me strength and peace of mind. Help me get through this. Just when things were beginning to get better and I was finally getting over with the loss of my mother, this happens.

God, I don't know why these things happened to me or why I have to go through it, all I can do is trust in You and hold onto Your hand.

Although I don't understand why this is happening in my life right now, I believe that all this is a part of my destiny and who You've called me to be, God. I just pray that one day You will show me and I will know why. Until then, I just rest in You.

You know everything, You know the number of the very hair upon my head, You know the count of my days, You know when I will die, You knew me even before I was convinced in my mother's womb.

God, You knew when my dad would die, You knew that last night would be the last night of his life here on earth. I was never close to him or anything but still he was my father, my dad. I can only trust that You have him in Your arms right now.

I know he made many bad choices in his early life, which he regretted, I've come to see that through some of the very few conversations I had with him.

I know that he loved me and I love him, I was bitter with him before and didn't want to forgive him but You've changed me and showed me that I needed to forgive him which I did.

I know that he knew about You, and yet I don't know if he has ever really asked Jesus into his heart and believed that He died for his sins. I have to trust that You have him in Your arms right now, Father.

Thank You for all of my friends, my sisters and brothers who were with me today in class to speak into my life, thank You for the Lydells- they've been a big, big part of my life within the last 2 years.

I pray that You will give me strength and courage, help me to know what to do- my sister and brother, give me the words to speak into their lives, they don't have friends like I do, who are close to them like my friends are to me.

My best days are ahead of me, I believe that, God, and... You've taught me that it is indeed well with my soul.

Your daugther,
Emily Jane

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul.

Posted 11/28/2006 at 9:4 PM

Struggles - Sunday November 19, 2006

Wow... the message this morning was just... I don't know what to say.

It just kind of hit me. When Kimberly gave her testimony- it just brought all these memories of my mother and pain too.

The fact that this week is the week of Thanksgiving, which, 2 years ago to today was when I found out my mom had pancreatic cancer- didn't help me either.

I was thinking, 'God, why didn't You heal her? If You healed Kim from her liver disease, then why couldn't have You healed my mom from cancer? And why am I not healed yet?'

At that moment, I didn't want to be there at the church, I didn't want to stay. I knew I had to anyways and I knew that God wanted me there.
I didn't want to hear the message but I wanted to.

After the testimony, Pastor Marco, Jill, and Brandon got up to pray for people who came forward to be prayed over for healing, I wanted to get up there and get prayed over for my healing but I didn't.

I had all these feelings- frustration, selfishness, and even anger.

I was tired of fighting this battle, I was tired of feeling hurt, left out, rejected because of my deafness, I've been fighting this for nearly all of my life since I was an infant.

I thought, "Well, I guess my healing won't happen today because it never happens no matter how hard or how often I'm prayed over, nothing changes."

I heard God speak to me, a small voice inside my heart, He simply said, "Emily, I want you to get up and pray for others, I don't want you to just sit there and feel sorry for yourself. Get up." So I did.

As I laid my hands on others and prayed over them, I don't think I've ever felt so humbled, broken, and scarred at that moment than before. God is teaching me to trust in Him and simply to humble myself before Him.

We don't understand why God chooses to heal some people instantly, while He heal others more slowly in weeks, months, and even years.
We don't understand why Jesus healed people and yet He didn't heal everybody who came to Him.

I talked with Jon this afternoon about what happened this morning and how I feel so frustrated and hurt- he told me to read Acts 3, so I did.

Then he asked me, "Where was the man lying at?" I said, "At the gate to the temple, of course."
"Was he there for many years?'
"Yes."
"Well, tell me, was Jesus a good Jew, wasn't He?"
"Yes."
"How often do Jews go to the temple?"
"Few times a year."
"So, Jesus walked by the man countless times and yet He didn't heal him. Why?"

After that, I had to take some time alone and think about it.

I'm in a season of waiting patiently, and just to trust in God. It may be a long process for me, I don't know how long I will be in this season for, all I can do is to let God work on me.
I don't know why I'm not healed yet, all I can do is wait and trust God.

I'm not perfect, I accept that.
I accept that I'm a idiot sometimes, we all are.
I accept that I take things for granted sometimes, we all do.

When you are humbled and broken, it is when God brings out the most in you, I've learned that within the past year.

We have to pray constantly, and never cease to pray. We have to keep knocking on the door and it will be opened, that's what Jesus told us. At times we may become discouraged and give up, it is when we have to put our trust in God and keep going. Because it will be worth it in the end.

Everything we've gone through in our lives and yet may have to go through many more, it will be worth in the end. All the hardships, pain, sorrow, everything.
Why? Because if we follow God's will for our lives, it will be worth everything we've gone through in the end.

Posted 11/19/2006 at 6:16 PM

Eternity - Saturday November 11, 2006

I long for something more,
I long for Eternity,
for I know that the world is not eternal..

I long for something raw,
I long for something unique, something beautiful,
for everything, far as I know, is just ordinary..

I long to be called Your Beloved, O Jesus
I long for Your love to pour down on me,
I long to feel Your kisses upon my face, O Jesus
for I know no one loves me the way You do..

I long to know Your heart,
I long to know more about the One
who died for me..

That's the cry of my heart.

- Emily Jane

Posted 11/11/2006 at 6:32 PM

Broken - Friday November 3, 2006

Use my brokeness
to bring others to You, O Lord
Use my tears and pain
to heal others, O Lord
Use all what I've gone through to make others
want to know You more, O Lord

Use me in any way You want,
I'm all Yours
Everything I have to offer in the whole world

My brokeness,
my humble heart,
and my scars.

They are all Yours, O Lord
All I want is for You to use me
So use me in any way You want, O my God

Copyright 2006 - Emily Jane

Posted 11/3/2006 at 8:42 PM

Saturday September 23, 2006

September 21, 2006

O Lord, what do You want from me today?
You know what is going on in my heart right now- I struggled with being in the internship last year
because of my deafness (I felt as though I didn't have a place with everyone, I didn't fit in)
and even now, as an second year and leader, I still struggle with it once in a while.

I have good and bad days. Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough as a leader and I can't do it-
I'm afraid to let people down. Then I have good days where I feel strong and I can do it,
I can do whatever- no matter how tough it may get.
I know that I am called to do the internship.

Lord, help me stop believing the lies spoke over me by my enemies.
They have no claim over me, I am all Yours, O Lord.

One of my desires is to have a heart for prayer, intercession prayer.
Lord, I want a voice of my own to speak out what is on my heart.
I do not want to be silent anymore.
I want to speak truth and wisdom.
Give me a voice of my own, O Lord.

"Ask and it will be given to you;
seek and you will find; knock and
it will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks recieves, and he who seeks, finds,
and to him who knocks it will be opened."
~Matthew 7:7-8

Lord, perfecten my speech so that I can talk better and clearer.
I want to speak justice and truth.
I want to speak life into people's lives.
That's the cry of my heart, O Lord.
You said, "Ask and it will be given to you....", I am asking for a heart of
intimacy and intercession prayer.
I'm asking for a voice so that I may speak out of the darkness and lead others to You.

Place in me this burning desire, I want nothing but You.
I thank You, for everything.
In Jesus's name, amen.

Posted 9/23/2006 at 2:10 PM

Too often - Saturday September 16, 2006

Too often we settle for less

Than for what is worthy of You

Too often we throw away our dreams and desires
On what the world has to offer
Expecting them to be fulfilled
Only to be broken and abandoned in the end

Too often we turn our hearts away from You
Open our hearts to someone else
Expecting that person to be everything
Only to be disappointed in the end

We all fall at times
We cry out for someone to lift us up again
There is but One, the One who was condemned
Who died, and rose again, and now reigns above
Jesus Christ, the only and the One

O Lord, give us clean minds
Give us pure hearts
And in our hearts, a desire only for You

---

Sometimes I have things like this come into my mind and I just have to write them down.

Posted 9/16/2006 at 4:8 PM

Called to wait - Friday July 21, 2006

A dear friend of mine emailed me this morning with this simple devotational thought and it just blessed me so much. It is exactly what I've been going through...

Waiting is one of the most difficult disciplines Christians are called to practice. This is especially true when a heart's desire is within reach and we are sure that God is about to bless us. But He always has a clear reason for asking us to wait, even when we cannot discern His motive for months or even years. Although difficult, waiting is essential to living a successful Christian life of obedience and reaped blessing.

One of the main reasons believers step out of God's will--and consequently out of fellowship with Him--is overeagerness to act on their own, without first receiving divine guidance. Too often, we make this mistake while trying to do something we believe will bring pleasure to the Lord. But we please our Father by following the Bible's frequent exhortations to wait.

It is possible, however, for us to confuse waiting with idleness. Pausing for further instructions from God requires a determined stillness--a decision not to act until He provides clear direction. His plan for our life requires no guesswork on our part; He will give instructions when the time is right, so we must be in prayer and in the Word if we are to receive His directives. God works in this way because His plans are interconnected; what we do affects others as well as ourselves, both now and in the future.

Waiting is hard. We don't want to stand still when our natural inclination says, "Grasp the prize before it slips away!" But wise believers wait until they have heard from God. Only then can we step out with confidence that we are walking in His will.

Posted 7/21/2006 at 2:19 PM

Change of seasons - Saturday July 15, 2006

Lately, I've been going through some issues, some frustrations... God has been teaching me to have patience and be self-controlled but it's so hard and sometimes I just want to give it all up.

One of the frustrations is the fact I'm always wanting/wishing for that or this thing to happen right now just because I want it, but I know now isn't the right time and it isn't God's timing yet.

God, I just thank You for Jon, with whom I was able to have a great conversation two nights ago. I told him about my problems and frustrations.
I feel so much better now that I told him, it was awkward at first though.

He shared many wise things that he learned in his life, one thing I learned is that I enjoy where I am at right now, and not to worry about future, and I don't have to act like I'm several years older either. I don't have to try and do 5 things at once, just do it one thing at a time.
I love him so much, to me he is my dear papa Mordecai from the book of Esther.

I have to just enjoy where I am at right now. Because next year I will never have this season again, I will never be 18 again.

---

Matthew 6:25-34

25 Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

28 So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

31 Therefore do not worry, saying,What shall we eat? or What shall we drink? or What shall we wear? 32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Posted 7/15/2006 at 2:50 PM

Thursday July 13, 2006

The Lydells took me out to dinner at Buca's for my 18th birthday 2 days ago.



My dear adopted papa.


My beautiful adopted mama.


Smile for the camera...


"Feed us!"


My lovely little sisters.


Everyone's singing happy birthday.. it was a surprise that the waitress brought out the funky candle and dessert!
(I still don't know why Ty made that face.)
So it was a great night. : )

Posted 7/13/2006 at 12:8 PM

Wednesday July 5, 2006

I AM OFFICALLY AN AUNT!!!!!!!!! My sister gave birth to a baby boy yesterday, on Independance day!!! I'm so excited.

I am going to see her on August 1st and stay for 2 weeks, helping out and visiting. Of course I will post pictures of my nephew when I get back.

Posted 7/5/2006 at 3:55 PM

Esther

Saturday July 1, 2006

I wish I was like Queen Esther in the Bible. I admire her so much..
A young girl who lost her parents and raised by her spiritual father.
She went from being a peasant to a queen.
She captured the king's heart with her words of love and wisdom, with her beauty inside and out.
She obtained favor in the sight of all who saw her.
She was a woman of God.
She had strength, courage, and wisdom.
She sought after God with all her heart.

Will I ever amount to her? Will I ever be like her? Probably never.

Posted 7/1/2006 at 12:48 AM

You chose me

Monday December 25, 2006

You, O Lord, can live anywhere
in the entire universe
Yet You chose my heart..

You, O Lord, can choose anyone
to do Your will
Yet You chose me, as broken as I am..

You, O Lord, can choose anyone
Yet You chose me to be Your Beloved, as dark as I am..

You, O Lord, could've chosen not to
endure the cross
Yet You chose to do it and die for the world
You chose to be condemned
You chose to die an shameful death

All because You loved us, You died for us
Will I ever understand Your love
So wide and deep, beyond the galaxies

I know in my heart that..
I am in love with a Stranger who died for me so that I can have a new beginning,
I am in love with a Man who've captured my heart,
I am in love with the King above all kings,
I am in love with my Maker whom I have never seen..

Posted 12/25/2006 at 2:35 AM

Confident enough?

Wednesday August 16, 2006

Today, I spent several amazing hours with God at RHOP, how I missed it there!

I'm getting more and more excited about the upcoming second year internship with each passing day.
I'm becoming more and more nervous at the same time.

Part of me wants to back out and not do it because of fear, yet another part of me wants to do it because I know that this is what God wants for me.

I know God is calling me to step out and take up the responsiblity of a leader and lead others.
But am I confident enough?
Am I brave enough?

For the past month I've been spending time with God, asking for wisdom and courage, but most of all, a heart for the first year interns.
I will be ministering to all of them especially the girls and I want to share what God's done for me and show love to them.

I can already feel in my spirit that it's going to be an intense year, but wonderful one at that. I know God is going to do something extraordinary and unexpected!

I was just thinking about my life, and now that I've looked back, I was astonished at how much I've changed.
Had my mother lived, no doubt I would've been miserable with nearly no friends, and I would've been lost because I was a pretend-Christian, not fully-believing in God.
I would've never knew that Jesus loves me and sees me as His bride.
And few years ago I would have never said this, but I thought of attempting suicide just because I wasn't content with who I am, though I never tried because it was fear that held me back.

It was my mother's illness and death that brought me to my knees and caused me to go on a quest seekiung God.
Everything after that kind of fell in place. I 'moved in' with Chelsea's family and went to their church.
Then one of the best things ever happened in my life, I discovered the internship.

I remember one of the very last few 'real' conversations I had with my mom back in Feburary '05 before she died- I told her about the internship and how I wanted to do it. I will never forget the way she lighted up and said, "Oh Emily that is so wonderful, I am so proud of you for wanting to follow God."

Ever since, I've come a long way, completely different than what I expected. I never dreamt that anything like this would happen to me.

There are no words to describe how thanksful and joyful I am!
I have everything, I have my heavenly Father who loves me, I have a huge family now, I have many wonderful sisters and brothers who enjoy signing, I've overcome my shyness and fears with God's help and I am learning more and more of Jesus's love everyday and realizing that I am beautiful in His eyes.

'I just want to love
I just want to sing
To the One above
Who has touched my thristy soul

And now I'll never be the same

I'll always love You
I'll always sing to You, Jesus
I long to worship You in Spirit and in truth

Everyday I'll come
Spend my life with You
Learning of Your heart
And what You're calling me to do

My every breath belongs to You
And with this song
We'll lift the name of Jesus higher
And with a shout
We'll raise up one voice..'
--written by Tim Hughes--

Posted 8/16/2006 at 10:45 PM

Sunday August 13, 2006

Sorry everyone for not updating sooner, I was not able to get online the last week and thus unhappily prevented me from posting anything.

We just went to some places such as gardens, some parks, the Olympic park (where they held Olympics in 1996), downtown Atlanta (as well as Underground Atlanta), and Stone Mountain.
I'm not going to post again until I fly back home this upcoming Tuesday. So enjoy.

Posted 8/13/2006 at 6:43 PM

Friday August 4, 2006

There's nothing much to say. Other than cleaning, making food, and playing with Dante, we went for a walk last night and out to gelato tonight (Italian ice cream!) which was heavenly.

I also included some pictures for you to view.

Posted 8/4/2006 at 9:46 PM

Wednesday August 2, 2006

After a rather long plane ride (it seemed longer than usual because I was so anixous to see Erin and I didn't like to be alone) I arrived in Atlanta, Georgia around 8:30 pm.

When I saw Erin, Levan, and baby Dante- I cried. I guess it was because I was so happy to see them after so long time no see.
After a happy talk and some chicken wraps from Chik-a-fila, I went to sleep last night 12 am (Georgia) while it was 9 pm (Sacramento) and couldn't fall asleep for a while.. because of all the humidity in the air!
This morning, Erin, I, and dear Dante all went for a ride, stopped to see Levan at work, and went grocery shopping afterwards.


Dante, all ready to go...


Erin & Dante outside of their apartment (the one on very top.


Who is that back there?


Apartments along the street.




Buckhead - all the rich people live here..


More of those big, fancy houses..


This house belongs to Levan''s cousin who
is remodeling it. Very pretty..


One of my favorite parts of the house.


Daddy and son.

---

Well that's all for today, the rest of the day I helped clean, made dinner, played with Dante, and changed his diapers.
I'm beat and it's only 5:45 back home. Bed awaits...

Posted 8/2/2006 at 8:40 PM

His love is more than enough.(test entry)

"If I never walk on water, if I never see the miracles, if I never hear Your voice so loud; just to know that You are with me is enough to keep me here. Just to hear that You love me is enough to satisfy."
~Misty Edwards