This is the Victory...

"This is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith" (1 John 5:4).

It is easy to love Him when the blue is in the sky,
When summer winds are blowing, and we smell the roses nigh;
There is little effort needed to obey His precious will
When it leads through flower-decked valley, or over sun-kissed hill.

It is when the rain is falling, or the mist hangs in the air,
When the road is dark and rugged, and the wind no longer fair,
When the rosy dawn has settled in a shadowland of gray,
That we find it hard to trust Him, and are slower to obey.

It is easy to trust Him when the singing birds have come,
And their canticles are echoed in our heart and in our home;
But 'tis when we miss the music, and the days are dull and drear,
That we need a faith triumphant over every doubt and fear.

And our blessed Lord will give it; what we lack He will supply;
Let us ask in faith believing--on His promises rely;
He will ever be our Leader, whether smooth or rough the way,
And will prove Himself sufficient for the needs of every day."

To trust in spite of the look of being forsaken; to keep crying out into the vast, whence comes no returning voice, and where seems no hearing; to see the machinery of the world pauselessly grinding on as if self-moved, caring for no life, nor shifting a hair-breadth for all entreaty, and yet believe that God is awake and utterly loving; to desire nothing but what comes meant for us from His hand; to wait patiently, ready to die of hunger, fearing only lest faith should fail--such is the victory that overcometh the world, such is faith indeed. 

~George MacDonald

Simply delays.

"I called upon him, but he gave me no answer" (S. of Sol. 5:6).

The Lord, when He hath given great faith, hath been known to try it by long delayings. He has suffered His servants' voices to echo in their ears as from a brazen sky. They have knocked at the golden gate, but it has remained unmovable, as though it were rusted upon its hinges. Like Jeremiah, they have cried, "Thou hast covered thyself with a cloud, that our prayer should not pass through." Thus have true saints continued long in patient waiting without reply, not because their prayers were not vehement, nor because they were unaccepted, but because it so pleased Him who is a Sovereign, and who gives according to His own pleasure. If it pleases Him to bid our patience exercise itself, shall He not do as He will with His own!
No prayer is lost. Praying breath was never spent in vain. There is no such thing as prayer unanswered or unnoticed by God, and some things that we count refusals or denials are simply delays. --H. Bonar

Christ sometimes delays His help that He may try our faith and quicken our prayers. The boat may be covered with the waves, and He sleeps on; but He will wake up before it sinks. He sleeps, but He never oversleeps; and there are no "too lates" with Him. --Alexander Maclaren
Be still, sad soul! lift thou no passionate cry, But spread the desert of thy being bare To the full searching of the All-seeing eye; Wait! and through dark misgiving, black despair,

God will come down in pity, and fill the dry Dead place with light, and life, and vernal air. --J. C. Shairp

Singleness & His perfect timing

"Being single is an opportunity to discover who God has made us to be and what He has called us to in this life." ~Eric & Leslie Ludy, When God Writes Your Love Story

Being single has been something I've struggled with for a while. I've struggled with it as I've sat by and watched as one by one of my friends got asked to court and then eventually get married. I've had my own share of tears and I allowed bitterness to harbor in my heart without realizing it. I had asked the Lord, "Why am I still waiting?" but received no answer. I didn't understand why no guy has ever taken a interest in me or even asked me out. I thought there must be something wrong with me. Like any other women, I wanted to be seen and loved for who I am. Whether I am healed of my deafness or not. 

I wanted to be treasured and cherished by only one man for the rest of my life and that man is the one I am to marry.

I have met and liked guys and they liked me but there has been times when I've let my heart deceive myself into believing that a relationship was going to start and then it didn't and all I got was disappointment in the end.

At last, I came to the conclusion that I must be destined to be single. But the truth was, I wasn't completely content in that nor was I trusting God in that area of my life and no wonder that it has caused me to fail every time. I would attempt to start a relationship with a guy but then God was never in the center of it. 

I just re-read the book by Eric and Leslie Ludy, "When God Writes Your Love Story" recently. I had forgotten how good it was and now that I'm older, it has completely changed my perspective. Upon reading it, I felt God tugging at my heart and I knew that I was not allowing Him to have full reign in that area of my life. I knew what I had to do and I didn't want to do it. But I surrendered the pen of my love life to the Lord. I am trusting Him completely and fully to write my beautiful story in His perfect timing. Not mine. 

I also realized something else extremely important. I was not ready then (I am not saying that I am ready now only God knows when). I was not ready to start dating when I thought I was ready. And God knew that! I realized that it goes all the way back to when my mom died nearly five years ago. I was so hurt at the time and lonely that there was no way a guy could fill that void in my heart. Only God could. If He didn't love me so much, He would have let me chase after guys, get their attention, get hurt, and be miserably alone. 

I mean, with all what have happened in the past, if it weren't for those things, I wouldn't be at the place I am at right now in my walk with the Lord. I would not be on the same level of maturity that I am at now. I would have never come to the conclusion that I was not allowing Him to have full reign of authoring my love story. 

If it weren't for all that, I would have never known what God has called me to do in my serving Him through my singleness. I am so thankful for Him protecting me... and for keeping me safe. I've learned that He alone is the One who will never let me down.

Show Love

I read this entry in my devotional book and had to post it... such a good and beautiful reminder for all of us, especially for those who tend to forget sometimes or become absorbed in the everyday living. Showing love, whether it be overflowing or minor, can go a long way for others. I know that because I've experienced it countless times! Give a hug to someone who may need one... write a short note full of love for someone who needs to hear it..

"Put on as the elect of God, kindness" (Col. 3:12).

There is a story of an old man who carried a little can of oil with him everywhere he went, and if he passed through a door that squeaked, he poured a little oil on the hinges. If a gate was hard to open, he oiled the latch. And thus he passed through life lubricating all hard places and making it easier for those who came after him.

People called him eccentric, queer, and cranky; but the old man went steadily on refilling his can of oil when it became empty, and oiled the hard places he found.

There are many lives that creak and grate harshly as they live day by day. Nothing goes right with them. They need lubricating with the oil of gladness, gentleness, or thoughtfulness. Have you your own can of oil with you? Be ready with your oil of helpfulness in the early morning to the one nearest you. It may lubricate the whole day for him. The oil, of good cheer to the downhearted one--Oh, how much it may mean! The word of courage to the despairing. Speak it.

Our lives touch others but once, perhaps, on the road of life; and then, mayhap, our ways diverge, never to meet again, The oil of kindness has worn the sharp, hard edges off of many a sin-hardened life and left it soft and pliable and ready for the redeeming grace of the Saviour.

A word spoken pleasantly is a large spot of sunshine on a sad heart. Therefore, "Give others the sunshine, tell Jesus the rest."

"We cannot know the grief
That men may borrow;
We cannot see the souls
Storm-swept by sorrow;
But love can shine upon the way
Today, tomorrow;
Let us be kind.
Upon the wheel of pain so many weary lives are broken,
We live in vain who give no tender token.
Let us be kind."

"Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love" (Rom. 12:10)

No doubt about His enduring promise!

Sometimes I ask God 'why' about things like why did He let me become deaf at 18 months old, why did my mom have cancer when she was such a healthy human being, and so forth on. The more I ask why and try to find the answer, the more I am at a loss and I had to let it all go. Now I am simply waiting on Him. I know I will see my mom again soon! Why should I still grieve for her when she's with Jesus rejoicing and dancing? Of course there will always be times when I will miss her terribly and I will always miss her in a way everyday even without thinking about it. 

I was thinking about how a thousand years here on Earth is but one day to God in Heaven and how even days is but a mere minute to Him and that gives me great comfort because that means I will arrive in Heaven just one minute after my mom got there! 

I have no doubt that someday we will understand that God has a reason behind every happening and every no that He gives us through the course of our lives. Yet even in this life, He always make it up to us! When has God ever taken anything from a person without restoring it many times over? It is true that God never touches the heart with a trial without intending to bestow a greater gift or compassionate blessing. The person who knows how to wait has grown to an expectional degree in God's sufficient grace!

"He Worketh"

"He worketh" (Ps. 37:5).

The translation that we find in Young of "Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass," reads: "Roll upon Jehovah thy way; trust upon him: and he worketh."

It calls our attention to the immediate action of God when we truly commit, or roll out of our hands into His, the burden of whatever kind it may be; a way of sorrow, of difficulty, of physical need, or of anxiety for the conversion of some dear one.

"He worketh." When? Now. We are so in danger of postponing our expectation of His acceptance of the trust, and His undertaking to accomplish what we ask Him to do, instead of saying as we commit, "He worketh." "He worketh" even now; and praise Him that it is so.

The very expectancy enables the Holy Spirit to do the very thing we have rolled upon Him. It is out of our reach. We are not trying to do it any more. "He worketh!"

Let us take the comfort out of it and not put our hands on it again. Oh, what a relief it brings! He is really working on the difficulty.

But someone may say, "I see no results." Never mind. "He worketh," if you have rolled it over and are looking to Jesus to do it. Faith may be tested, but "He worketh"; the Word is sure!  --V. H. F.

"I will cry unto God most high; unto God that performeth all things for me" (Ps. 57:2).

The beautiful old translation says, "He shall perform the cause which I have in hand." Does not that make it very real to us today? Just the very thing that "I have in hand"--my own particular bit of work today, this cause that I cannot manage, this thing that I undertook in miscalculation of my own powers--this is what I may ask Him to do "for me," and rest assured that He will perform it. "The wise and their works are in the hands of God."  --Havergal

The Lord will go through with His covenant engagements. Whatever He takes in hand He will accomplish; hence past mercies are guarantees for the future and admirable reasons for continuing to cry unto Him.  --C. H. Spurgeon"

~L.B. Cowman, Streams In The Desert

Whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. (Philippians 3:7)

"O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee,
I give Thee back the life I owe,
That in Thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O Light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to Thee,
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in Thy sunshine's glow its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to Thee,
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that lifest up my head,
I dare not ask to hide from Thee,
I lay in dust life's glory dead,
And from the ground there blossons red,
Life that shall endless be."

~George Matheson

Shevet Achim, Israel

This have been on my heart for some time and now I want to share about it.

For the last four years since my visit in 2006, I've been praying about going to Israel as a part time missionary or as a volunteer to work among people there for at least a certain period of time.

There was opportunities for me to go but every time I brought it up before the Lord, He said, "No, not now. Wait." So I waited and waited.
Over and over, I had to surrender that dream into His hands and not pursue it on my own (otherwise I'd just mess it up).

Then, last May, a dear friend of mine, from college, told me that she was going to Jerusalem for four months this summer to work as a part-time staff volunteer at a place called Shevet Achim.
Shevet Achim was founded with the purpose of helping non-Israeli children receive lifesaving medical care in Israel. The name is taken from the Hebrew of Psalm 133, which promises that unity between brothers leads to life.
I was immediately attracted to the program for some strange reason that I can't quite explain and for the last few months, I've been following up on their updates via email and I began to pray about doing it, possibly next summer for two months, but had some doubts about it. What if they don't want me because of my hearing loss? What if....? You can imagine.
Then the Lord spoke to me, "Do not be afraid. Do not doubt. For nothing is impossible with Me and with Me, you can do all things! My timing is always perfect."

Then I felt this great peace in my heart and knew that if they told me I couldn't work with them, God will provide another opportunity and BETTER timing too!
So, I decided to email the international director of the program and told him about my heart for Israel and how I desire to go there as a volunteer and minister to the people. I also mentioned my hearing loss even though I didn't want to.

Not expecting a reply for some time, I was surprised to hear back from the director the very next day!
The very first thing he said was that he liked what I shared and the second thing was that my hearing loss is my best qualification (1 Corinthians 2:1-5) and then he attached a staff application!
I was so overwhelmed with gratitude and joy and encouragement- I couldn't believe that they want me to work with them regardless the fact that I cannot hear!

Curious about what the staff do, I sent another email and found out that not they only take care of the children, they also host families of the children and need help with cooking and cleaning and the list goes on. At once, I knew that is what I've been looking for and what I wanted to do, being a servant to others. "
As Elisabeth Elliot said about being a servant of God, "It's a tall order to take the lowest place, to lay it all at His feet, and to listen for His next small wish. Yoked with Him, we can do this as easily as we can conquer more exalted worlds."

God is so faithful!!!

I also got another encouraging email from the director after I asked about the funds, "But we’re encouraging short-term people to first ask God’s help with the airfare, and then direct any other support that comes in to Shevet Achim staff support. It will all go into one pool and we’ll share and trust the Lord to meet all of our needs. If you don’t have enough personal support for monthly expenses, we’ll be glad to take you anyway. And if you have more than enough, you’ll be a blessing to others."

Even though I have nearly a year to pray, prepare, and get the funds I need, I know that it will all work out if it is God's will. But how can it not be His will if He didn't put this burning desire in my heart in the first place and love for Israel and the people there?

Thank You, my Abba, for providing this great opportunity and for teaching me the value of patience and waiting upon You and Your timing... there is nothing more perfect.

His Wind.

Be still.

"He is here for the broken and life to the one who is undone.
He is peace to the wounded and hope for the helpless one.
He is here, He is here.
Be still, my soul, be still...
Wait patiently upon the Lord, be still my soul, be still...
When the waves rise against me and the wind tries to blow me away, I will stand on the mountain and safe in Your arms, I will sing..."
~Kari Jobe

This is just a tiny glimpse of what I'm going through right now... with all the chaos going on and unexpected things happening among disappointments and joys.
But.. praise to the Lord for His faithfulness! He is my peace and strength and I will be nothing without Him.
I will sing in Your arms...

A thought from Amy Carmichael

Invest in the Eternal

All that grieves is but for a moment. All that pleases is but for a moment. Only the Eternal is important.

A trial comes. It will pass. In a few days, or months, or years, we shall have forgotten it. The way we meet that trial—our inner attitude towards it—belongs to things that are Eternal.

All that we are, all that will ever be, in us and in others, in the entire universe, past—present—and future, is affected for all eternity by how we respond to temptations, or trials, or victories, or defeats.

The issues themselves are irrelevant.

The Eternal: how we respond in our inner hearts, those are the only things that matter. All else will pass and be forgotten and trivialized by time and space.

It does not seem so now. We feel, “If I could only have ____. If only this problem would go away. Then, ____.” Yet, we must be reminded of what we know. The pleasures pass. The trials, though they seem long and difficult, are a vapor.

If we could have what we desire, or shed what we disdain, we would, with that attitude, only suffer dreadful loss in the Eternal realm. The scriptures say, “He gave them their request, but sent leanness into their soul.”

Let us look to Jesus and trust HIM, and invest in the Eternal, not that which only passes away.

-Amy Carmichael

The unconditional love of Abba

The other day, during my quiet time with the Lord, the story of the woman who was caught in act of adultery in John 8 stood out to me. I've read it countless times but this time there was something significant that stood out to me. Let me say this first, for a while I was struggling with the idea of being simply accepted and loved by my Abba, regardless of what happens. My head believes that I am accepted but my heart was having a hard time believing and I was asking God to show me that I've been accepted already and I do not have to do anything- and that I will know His love is unconditional! My tiny mind cannot simply grasp the whole picture because well, He is GOD! His ways are higher than ours and He does not think the way we do. 

"The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group ⁴and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. ⁵In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" ⁶They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

   But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. ⁷When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." ⁸Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

 ⁹At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. ¹⁰Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"

 ¹¹"No one, sir," she said. 
      "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."

The Pharisees were saying to Jesus as they dragged the woman out, "What should we do about her? She was caught in adultery. Moses say we should stone her. What do YOU think?" They were trying to trap Him. Jesus ignored them and wrote in the sand. Then He looked up and said, "Let the one who hasn't commited any sin throw the first stone." 

No one said anything and so they left one by one. Jesus asked the woman if there were anyone to condemn her, she said no and then Jesus told her to go and sin no more. Jesus didn't even ask her if she was sorry. He didn't demand anything from her. He didn't seem too concerned that she might return to her old self. She stood right there and Jesus gave her absolution before she even asked for it. 

It was right there that I realized something... God wants us back even more than we could possibly want to be back! We've been already accepted even before we know it. His love for us does not change- not even one bit. Not even when we turn away from Him. He is always right there, waiting for us to return to Him. In the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15, we see the unconditional love of God in it as well. As the son was walking home, the father sees him from a distance and ran to him, hugging him with tears, even before son got a chance to apologize and when he started to, the father doesn't quite let him finish. God is waiting right there with outstretched arms. He loves you so much, it does not matter what you may have done. He wants you back more than you could possibly want to be back. Do you hear His gentle voice calling you? 

The story affected me because it shows how the nature of God's love for us is so outrageous. I believe that the love of our God is not dignified at all and that He doesn't expect our love to not be dignifed like His because we are not perfect. Maybe that's why we have a hard time believing it with our hearts. 

There's also something else that I am experiencing: Jesus's love. Jesus talked about doing to the least of our brethern we do unto Him in New Testament. But then I think, "What if you discovered that the least of the brethern, the one who needs love the most, is you?" That's something I am learning about the love of Jesus as well. Jesus told us to love our neighbors like we should love ourselves. That's one part of what I am learning about the love of Jesus... by loving myself.

The values of patience - Sunday February 22, 2009

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him. (Psalm 37:7)

Have you prayed and prayed, and waited and waited, and still you see no evidence of an answer? Are you tired of seeing no movement? Are you at the point of giving up? Then perhaps you have not waited in the right way, which removes you from the right place-- the place where the Lord can meet you.

"Wait for it patiently" (Romans 8:25) Patience eliminates worry. The Lord said He would come and His promise is equal to His presence.
Patience eliminates weeping. Why feel sad and discouraged? He knows your needs better than you do and His purpose in waiting is to receive more glory through it.
Patience eliminates self-works. "The work of God is this: to believe." (John 6:29) and once you believe, you may know all is well.
Patience eliminates all want. Perhaps your desire to receive what you want is stronger than your desire for the will of God to be fulfilled.
Patience eliminates all weakness. Instead of thinking of waiting as being wasted time, realize that God is preparing His resources and strengthening you as well.
Patience eliminates all wobbling. "He touched me and raised me to my feet." (Dan 8:18) God's foundations are steady, and when we have His patience within, we are steady while we wait.
Patience yields worship. Sometimes the best part of praiseful waiting is experiencing "great endurance and patience... joyfully." (Colossians 1:11) While you wait, "let [all these aspects of] patience have her perfect work." (James 1:4) and you will be greatly enriched.

Posted 2/22/2009 at 1:50 PM

Glance - Monday January 19, 2009

I remember the first glance

I remember the first romance
I remember the first dance
When I felt in love with You
When I felt in love

I thought that I would never know love
I thought that I would never know touch
Then you came and awakened me
Then you came unlocking me
I've never known a love like this
You've shown the truth behind the myth
The Mystery

When it's all has been said
When it's all has been done
When the race is run
And this life overcome

I will remember Your love

Posted 1/19/2009 at 12:39 AM

Be still - Monday November 24, 2008

"Be still and know that I am GOD." ~Psalm 46:10

"Sometimes we have walked under starless skies that dripped darkness like drenching rain. We despaired from the lack of light from the sun, moon, and stars. The gloomy darkness loomed above us as ifit would last forever. And from the dark there spoke no soothing voice to mend our broken hearts. We would gladly have welcomed even a wild clap of thunder, if only to break the torturing stillness of that mournfully depressing night.
Yet Your soft whisper of eternal love spoke more sweetly to our bruised and bleeding souls than any winds that breathe across a wind harp.
It was Your 'gentle whisper' that spoke to us. We were listening and we heard You, and then we looked and saw Your face, which was radiant with the light of Your face. And when we heard Your voice and saw Your face, new life returned to us just as life returns to withered blossoms that drink the summer rain."
~L.B. Cowman

Posted 11/24/2008 at 10:22 AM

Grief - Monday November 10, 2008

The falling rain of yesterday is ruby on the roses,

Silver on the poplar leaf, and gold on willow stem;
The grif that fell just yesterday is silence that encloses
God's greatest gifts of grace, and time will never trouble them.

The falling rain of yesterday makes all the hillsides glisten,
Coral on the laurel and beryl on the grass;
The grief that fell just yesterday has taught the soul to listen
For whispers of eternity in all the winds that pass.

O faint of heart, storm-beaten, this rain will shine tomorrow,
Flame within the columbine and jewels on the thorn,
Heaven in the forget-me-not; through sorrow now is sorrow,
Yet sorrow will be beauty in the magic of the morn.

~Katherine Lee Bates

Posted 11/10/2008 at 10:22 AM

Bear thy cross - Thursday November 6, 2008

"If all my days were sunny, could I say,

"In His fair land He wipes all tears away"?

If I were never weary, could I keep
this blessed truth, "He gives His loved ones sleep"?

If no grace were mine, I might come to deem
The Live Eternal but a baseless dream.

My winter, and my tears, and weariness,
Even my grace, may be His to bless.

I call them ills; yet that can surely be
Nothing but love that shows my Lord to me."
~Joseph Caryl

"Christians with the most spiritual depth are generally those who have been taken through the most intense and deeply anguishing fires of the soul. If you have been praying to know more of Christ, do not surprised if He leads you through the desert or through a furnace of pain."

"Dear Lord, do not punish me by removing my cross from me. Instead, comfort me by leading me into submission to Your will and by causing me to love the cross. Give me only what will serve You the best, and may it be used to reveal the greatest of all Your mercies: bringing glory to Your name through me, according to Your will."

Posted 11/6/2008 at 11:36 AM

Friday October 31, 2008

One of my friends' mother underwent a surgery yesterday and when I came over to her apartment last night- I immediately noticed that she looked so tired and worn out, I asked her how she was doing and she told me what happened yesterday. She went to the hospital with her family to see her mother and the surgery was supposed to be over at 10:00 am and she had class at 1 pm; they never saw her mother. She had to come back to APU and her father stayed at the hospital searching for her mother. Just before I came over last night, he called my friend to tell her that he finally found her mother but it took him all day and no one would tell him where. My friend doesn't know much but she knows that the surgery must've gone wrong because the doctors won't speak to her family about it.

As I looked into my friend's eyes, they were full of pain, confusion, and worry-- she made me think of myself in a way four years ago when we found out that my mom had cancer- the same thing but in a completely different way.

I wanted to tell her something that'd comfort her but didn't know what to say. I only shared briefly about my mom and told her that it's alright to cry, not to hold it all back in.
I couldn't shrug it off my shoulders- I wanted to say something to her but I couldn't just say, "Oh, trust in God and everything will be alright, don't worry- she'll be fine." I'd feel fake, putting on a pretend happy mask and she'll know, after all we never know what will happen. Do we?

Only God knows.

I told her to go visit her mom today and not to go to classes because that is what I would do.

Abba, lay Your hand upon her, give her peace... I cannot be the one to comfort her, only You can... it is hard enough having school to stress out over and worry about- she doesn't need any more on her mind. I lift my friend and her family up to You. Comfort them, givethem peace, and give them rest. Abba, touch her mother's body right now with Your healing hand, restore her body what may have gone wrong, You will straighten it out. Give her family joy overflowing and peace of mind so that they will trust in Your Almighty name and not to give hope up but to praise You, O Lord..

This morning, I was thinking about last night and what bothers me is that though I lost my mom is that I don't have the right words to comfort others, I think that humans are awkward comforters -- we want to comfort the one who is going through a hard time, we want to have the right stuff to say but of course we don't, only God is the True Comforter in that and we are to imitate Him by simply being there with the person. Just like He is ever-present and always with us, and to be silent but at the same time let the person know you are there if he or she wants to talk and to pray together. Only God can touch our hearts in ways He can and we cannot.

I would like to say that I learned how to be a better comforter because I lost Mom and yet I don't. I just know the pain and sorrow- everything.
I thought that I'd have the magic words to speak because I went through that but I don't, to be honest.
There is one thing I've learned in that time of great grief, that God was there with me. Simple as that.
He is there, He is crying along with me, He shares my pain. You don't want to hear someone telling you that it'll be alright in that 'fake' voice and see the fake mask of happiness plastered on when you know deep inside of your being that it isn't alright. Neither one of you know what will happen next, only God does.

He wants us to run to Him, He longs to gather us like lost children into His secure arms. We long to hear Him speak tenderly to us, with words of love.

We focus too much on our own pain and grief, how it's so hard for us to go on and constantly asking God why this is happening. We don't know what His will is or what He has for us but there is one valuable thing I've learned is that though He is not safe all of the time, He is still good. He knew how much I can take and still stand strong. Everyone is different and they all have their own trials. IT's about how we choose to respond. Some people tell me that I am so strong and they wish they had my strength- I tell them, no you don't wish for the things I had to go through just because you see this strength in me, you don't want the pain, I cannot even tell you what it was like but God was faithful to me in that season and it was all His doing- if it was not for Him, I won't be here, I won't be the person I am today.

I had to watch my mom suffer slowly yet fast and I barely remember every detail of that season but I will never forget the feelings I had or how Mom looked at the end but I will always remember how much she loved You, O Lord, and how she'd speak of Your name with joy...

Posted 10/31/2008 at 12:0 AM

Two years... I love you, Mom - Sunday March 18, 2007

4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions it is by grace you have been saved. ~Ephesians 2:4-5

---

Because it was Your love
that made me alive
Because of Your love, O God
that made me alive
When I was dead on the inside
Because of Your love and grace
I am alive now

There's a new kind of light
that's shining through me
My heart, once heavy and full of shame
Now light and pure

I do not understand how I, least of all
Could deserve such love so wonderful
And yet You love me despite what I've done

Because of Your love, O God
And because of Your love
I will sing, I will praise
For it was Your love that made me alive
For it was Your grace that set me free

I've forgotten what I once was,
Now I know who I am in You, O God
Who I am now is because of Your love.

~Emily Hrimnak

P.S. Tomorrow is the twenty-four month anniversary of my mother's passing, however I don't choose to think it as the second year anniversary of her death but rather as her resurrection in Christ, because I know she is alive and well and in a far better place. So tomorrow I will celebrate because she is with Jesus Christ! I love you, Mom, and I know that one day I will meet you on that beautiful shore besides the river of life where you're waiting for me at the Gate of God's City. Until then, FAE.

Posted 3/18/2007 at 5:21 PM

In love - Thursday February 1, 2007

I am in love with a stranger,

I am in love with a man,

I am in love with my Maker whom I have never seen.

Jesus, why is it that when I seek You, speak to You, I can never get enough of You??

Why is it that I'm never satisifed? I want more of You, I NEED You..

Posted 2/1/2007 at 11:0 PM